Counting Sheep

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (Psalms 4:8 NKJV)

She was awake, it was 1 AM and she had begun to fuss. She wasn’t hungry and there were no signs of discomfort, she was just awake. As I took her up in my arms and gently rocked her back and forth I was transported to another place, another time and I was the infant being cradled in loving arms.

It was my senior year at college. That time in life when you future is just on the horizon and a world of opportunity is what lies ahead. When the days are brighter and the dreams are sweeter. For me it was dark and bitter.

It was more than the darkness of the night, it was the darkness of my soul. The darkness held my fears, held my doubts and held my shame. I would lie awake at night unable to sleep, tossing and turning, tormented by the void in my soul, the weight of my guilt and the bleak outlook for my future. Sleep would elude me, my enemy was my own sin and shame, and turmoil filled my mind with despair,

Sleepless nights became weeks and then months, after counting every sheep, cow or duck I could find, I was done. What hope could there be for my future if I couldn’t function in a day.

One of those sleepless nights I dug deep and pulled out a last resort, two prayers I remembered from my childhood, “The Lord’s Prayer” and “Now I lay me down to sleep”. I began to gently whisper those prayers and soon found myself in peaceful slumber. Waking up the next morning, I really didn’t know what had caused me to sleep, I was just grateful I had. The next night, another sleepless night, once again counting sheep and unable to grab a few zzzz’s, I finally remembered to whisper a prayer, sleep came before it was over. For months I prayed, “Now I lay me down to sleep…” For months I would whisper in the night, “Our Father, who art in Heaven…” and a gentle peace would draw me into sleeps sweet embrace.

Those prayers were the catalyst for me to seek The Lord and find Jesus, those prayers became a stone path leading me to the foot of the cross. It was those nightly prayers, two simple prayers, nothing added, nothing taken away, that drew me to the Savior.

I graduated college in May of 1988, on June 2nd of that same year I finally surrendered it all. The peace that would draw me into a gentle sleep each night, was now the peace I had each and every day. The heaviness of my sin was no longer a weight I was carrying, the guilt and shame no longer tormented me in the night, I choose to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior and my life would never be the same.

Tonight, as I held Ana, I was taken back to that sweet embrace of the Father. A wayward, sleep and peace deprived child He would lovingly nestle against His chest offering me the one thing I thought I needed most, sleep. The reality was He knew I needed something even more, I needed Him. I needed Jesus!

Occasionally, I will have another sleepless night, a sick child, a heavy burden, an event that tries to implant some lies. When those times come, I pull out those two simple prayers, lay my head against my Father’s chest and receive His embrace of peace as it cocoons me and sleep.

Her eyelashes fluttered against my skin, her breath warm and soft, her fingers wrapped around my finger, there is no place I would rather be. How great is the Father’s love for us, because I know, there is no place He would rather be.

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. (Proverbs 3:24 NKJV)

Full Speed Ahead

Have you ever tried to restrain a two year old and keep him from running. It is like trying to hold a wild bronco by the bridle. Twisting, turning, pushing and pulling, they try everything in their power to break free of the hold being placed on them. The moment you let go they take off running, seeing how far and how fast they can go. If you try to pick them up they go into what my husband and I term ‘anti-lift mode’, contorting their body to be a limp noodle you are unable to hold.

I have a son who has a need for speed. His favorite all time movies are Cars and Cars 2. He has longed for a motorcycle since he was two and has loved to be on the go and in constant motion since birth. There have been many times when I have had to put a locked grip onto his arm to restrain him from taking off. What would happen if I kept him in that locked grip and never let go to let him run free? What happens when I do let go, do I lose control or do I gain something in the letting go?

When he was a toddler my hand restrained him from running out into the street or a full parking lot, it was there for protection and guidance. Did he always like it? No. However, there were times when the parking lot was empty or we took him to a park or just sent him out the back door where he was allowed to run free and without restraint. Did he learn something from this? Yes. He learned there was a time to walk and a time to run, a time to be on guard and a time to be free. He learned that I was placed in his life as a guardian, not as a dictator and he learned to feel for my protective hand when danger might be around.

Walking through life I have felt that death grip on my arm, launching out into the busyness of life without a thought about where I was heading or what I was about to get myself into, trying to yank my arm away as if I know what is best. But the Lord’s grip is both firm and loving, His grip is there to protect as well as to guide. Hebrews 12: 7-11 in the Message Bible reads –

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

I have also felt the freedom of the run, the wind in my hair and the delight in forging ahead knowing that the boundaries have been set into place and I am free to explore, free to enjoy, free to be in the moment without concern for danger because I am in a secure setting.

Our Father is a loving Daddy who watches over our coming and going, He has a protective hand waiting to grab our arm at a moments notice to keep us from launching out and getting hurt, but just like that two year old, we can twist and turn and try to break free because we want to just run and be free, or we can learn to watch for the oncoming traffic and begin to walk by His side, trusting that His arm will reach out to shield us if danger heads our way.

Moving Past the Pain

It didn’t hurt.

The ache was no longer there.

That place that kept getting rubbed the wrong way by that one (or two, or three…) person that just seemed to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, the one (two, or three) who had been abusive in word and deed.

In that instant, I knew I was free!

It began with little digs, and a constant one upping, moving into put downs and reminders of my failures. I finally had enough and just shut the door. I was through and I was hurt.

Wounds not found on my flesh but on my heart. Words harshly thrown can wound deeper than a fist to the face.

In the midst of the pain the choice to forgive was mine and mine alone. I must choose to forgive, by faith, and trust one day the pain would no longer be there.

The choice was made.

Approaching the throne of grace, I asked for the gift of faith and set my will in the direction of forgiveness. With this act came prayers for myself and for my oppressors. I wanted to believe forgiveness would be simple and quick and I could just move on. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen that way, sometimes trust has been so broken and a heart so wounded and the pain so deep that while the act of forgiveness has taken place the actual healing coming from forgiveness takes time.

The gift of time.

Giving myself the gift of time, I chose to allow the inner promptings of the Holy Spirit to remind me when I needed to dig a little deeper and when I needed to just let the soil of my heart rest. Occasionally, I would test the waters and see how my heart would respond.

It was during those times I had to fight the lies of the enemy. Lies he would whisper about the pain, lies he would declare about a true lack of forgiveness, lies to keep me in the bondage and lies to tie me to down with condemnation. He would poke and poke on those wounds and deceive me into thinking true forgiveness didn’t hurt.

It was during those times when I would remind him I had forgiven by faith and someday my emotions would follow. Someday, how I felt would line up with the decision I had made.

The day arrived.

I tested the waters of my heart and felt…joy! The pain was gone, the gentle pricks of my heart were no longer pricks of pain but undeniably joy. Joy for their families, joy for their destinies and joy for their lives.

John 20:23 – “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them;”

Jesus made a way for me to be forgiven and from His forgiveness, He has asked me to forgive others. He does not leave me on my own to just say the words but to truly embrace the grace needed to receive healing and hope for my wounded heart and to know healing comes sometimes instantaneously and sometimes over time but either way it comes by faith!

Once Again

He did it again!

One more day, one more year. One more time to say, ‘I choose you!’

Red roses

He knows my passion for fresh flowers! A reminder that he hears me.

A new restaurant

He knows I love to try new things! A reminder that he loves to have fun with me!

A movie

He knows I love a sappy love story! A reminder that he cares about what I would choose!

Prayers

He knows I love to hear his heart expressed before the Lord! A reminder that he submits his heart to Our Father and leads our family to His feet!

Quiet whispers

Where once again he says, ‘Be Mine?’ A reminder that everyday he chooses imperfect, work-in-progress me! And everyday, I choose him back!

A Simple Kiss

A simple kiss, lightly brushed on her cheek. He took a few steps and then another kiss was gently placed on another cheek.   In that moment I realized we had something really precious as my 13 year-old son had just kissed mom and dad good-night and then quickly gave simple yet sweet kisses good-night to his two older sisters.  No manipulation, no groans of ‘yuck’ or snubs as he walked past.

I turned to my husband and asked, “Did you kiss your two sisters good-night when you were 13?”  “Um, NO! I was forced to hug and kiss them when we had a fight, that’s it,” was his reply.

So, why this simple gesture between my children?

A small display of love, a simple reminder of sweet innocence and brotherly (& sisterly) affection!

As I have pondered this brief example of kindness and love I remember the turmoil of previous years that led Darrell and I to make a stringent rule to have a “STRIFE FREE HOME”.  I can honestly say our first two years of our marriage were anything but strife free; however, once we decided that divorce would never be an option and strife would only create more harm than good we made the choice to follow the instruction of Saint Peter when he admonished those who were of ‘like precious faith’ into ‘giving all diligence, …add to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.”

But also for this very reason,  giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue  knowledge,  to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness,  to godliness brotherly kindness, and  to brotherly kindness love.  For if these things are yours and abound,  you  will be neither barren  nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (II Peter 1:5-8 NKJV)

We saw his admonition as instruction in a more or less step-by-step approach to a fruitful and abundant life.  With diligence we would begin with faith and from there add virtue(defined intrinsic value, moral excellence, and goodness) adding knowledge then self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and soaking it all in with love.  We began with an examination of our own hearts and then praying for the Holy Spirit to infuse us with His wisdom and perseverance to diligently cultivate these characteristics in our own lives and then impart them to our children.

Over the years we have been on alert to the snare of strife and helped our children to recognize the jabs, teases or jesting causing hurt feelings, anger, resentment and ultimately strife.

Proverbs 26:18 – 19 says, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor, and says, “I was only joking!”

Our words, our teasing and our jesting are weapons we hurl when we have something in our own heart that needs healing.  If my children begin to hurl words like an assault weapon at one of their
siblings, I take it as a sign to stop and have a sweet moment of mommy love, compassion and prayer to draw out the hurt that is in their heart. To help them recognize their own wound, receive healing, offer forgiveness and then bring reconciliation to the troubled tribe.

My son’s sweet kiss was a gentle reminder of the brotherly love we have purposely cultivated in our home and the peaceful harmony from whole, healthy hearts.

It is here where brothers and sisters dwell in unity that God commands His blessings. (Psalm 133:1-3)

A home free of strife and filled with brotherly kindness and love is a bit of heaven on earth.

Time – A Precious Gift

“Remember, Time is a greedy player who wins without cheating, every round!” writes
Baudelaire in his poem “The Clock”

Happy New Year!!! 2013 is here and some of us are approaching the year with great anticipation and some with great trepidation. Some of the dreams, goals, ideals we had set for 2012 never came to pass, others might have met or even surpassed our greatest hopes or thoughts. For some of us the end of a thing is a powerful reminder of our failures or lost opportunities, for others it is a grand announcement that something new is around the corner. However you choose to look at the passing of time one thing is for sure…it is a precious gift that you only get once, there are no returns, no refunds and no replacements for the time we use.

There is no waste bin for time and yet if we are not careful it slips right through our fingers into an abyss where it can never be retrieved. My prayer echoes the heart of Moses as he prayed in Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Today is precious, it is a gift and I am aware that as I begin this new year, I am challenged to walk in the wisdom and grace that comes from a heart seeking to recognize the value of a moment, the delight found in a day and the love encompassed in a lifetime.

Happy New Year!! May we both gain a heart of wisdom as we value each precious day!!

Merry Christmas With Love

Darrell loves getting to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to send out a quick recap of our year and to let you know how much we love and appreciate you all. This year, it is my turn! And oh, what a year!!!

Bethany, Bailey and Isaac all did an amazing job in speech this year with all three qualifying for NITOC (National Invitational Tournament of Champions) and Bethany qualified in both Lincoln/Douglas Debate as well as Parliamentary Debate where she finished 15^th in the nation. Ethan and Noah did their first junior speech tournament and finished 3^rd with their duo, they had the judges in tears it was so funny! These were all HUGE accomplishments for all of them.

This was a year of 1sts for Bethany, she graduated high school in May, had her 1^st paying job at Roots; traveled to Colorado twice, once with friends for NITOC and a second time alone, by plane, no friends and no idea what to expect when she arrived but she made some great friends, hiked an 8 mile trail up Pike’s Peak, qualifying as a ‘14er’ (a person who climbed a 14,000 feet elevation mountain), and came home with a heart resolved to live life on purpose. She attended Patriot Academy as a State Rep and simulated running the great state of Texas! She is currently working to finish up her sophomore year of college and is employed at Jarrell Signature, heading up marketing and overseeing the office for her dad. You can read more of what is going on in Bethany’s life at www.thefaceishowtheworld.wordpress.com

At the grand age of 16, Bailey has overcome her fear of speaking in front of others and fallen in love with Latin (who would have thought)! Bailey has begun to take dual credit classes at the community college and is tackling Algebra 2 with a vengeance!! She has joined the Gateway Generate platform ministry where she leads worship for the Amped (junior high) and MOR (senior high) students. SHE LOVES IT!! Bailey has been leading worship around our house for years; this is just an extension of who she is and what she loves to do!

Isaac (13) began the year with the title role in Oliver! at Artisan Center Theater. Ethan and Noah joined him on stage as orphans and members of Fagin’s gang. The three boys had a great run and had fun getting to do the show together. Isaac is a member of the Lyric Half Notes, a travel troupe for Lyric Stage in Irving. He has also been cast as a lead in Gateway’s Christmas Production, “It’s a Life…and It’s Wonderful”, where he has scratched a few things off his bucket list like shooting his first music video, getting to record a soundtrack and some one-on-one hip-hop lessons.

At 9, Ethan has made his move to master his role as middle son; he is getting taller, stronger and sweeter with each passing year. Classical Conversations (CC) has fueled Ethan’s education, it has inspired, enabled and equipped him to learn, process and think about life and how it works. I love watching Ethan ‘get it’, those ah-ha moments are so much fun with him! Ethan loves baseball, playing with Noah and hanging out with his friends. He is quite a guy!!

Laughter, smiles, hugs, goofy, good times Noah. How else do you describe the one who gets his way because he knows how to charm your socks off with his deliciously dimpled smile! Noah is fun, he is happy, he is pure joy. He is also very smart, very competitive and will be sure to do, say and be everything his brothers are or everything you say he can’t do. Noah is determined to live life and live it with gusto!

We were blessed with our promise from God this year. Ana Grace, the daughter we have asked and prayed for was born on June 21^st at 7 lb. 14 oz. and is the sweetest, cuddliest bundle of love. We have each tried to savor all our moments with her, from the newborn snuggle in the crook of your arm to the wiggly infant that is beginning to reach for your finger and chew on her toes. I blogged our Journey to Ana at http://wp.me/pt1ER-2v check it out as well as other happenings in the Jarrell home.

Jarrell Signature has expanded and is keeping Darrell busy with a variety of remodel, roofing and construction projects giving him opportunity to continue to build the business as well as some opportunities to be creative and branch out into some commercial work as well. Darrell works hard to provide for our family but being husband and dad is still his favorite role of all. He loves getting on the floor with Ana and the boys and has been around for many a late night chat with the girls. I am blessed to get to teach in the marriage ministry alongside Darrell and we still love a night out when we get a chance.

Mom, that one word says it all. My life overflows with hugs, love, tears, conversations, tickles, giggles, kisses, discipline, training, bandages, teaching, learning, growth charts, scales, toys, naps, meals and wheels. The list truly can go on and on. I would not trade one day of it. I am forever grateful and overwhelmingly blessed to live such a life.

More than anything, this year has shown us the faithfulness of God, the passionate love He has for each of us and the true Gift we have been given in His Son, Jesus Christ. It is by grace we have been saved and it is His grace that fills our lives with love, joy, peace and hope. As we embrace 2013 and all that it holds, we pray your family feels His sweet embrace and find yourselves overwhelmed with His love.

With big love and warm hugs,

From our family to yours,

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

 

Darrell, Tomi, Bethany, Bailey, Isaac, Ethan, Noah and Ana